


Fragment

by babel



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-24
Updated: 2011-06-24
Packaged: 2017-10-20 16:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babel/pseuds/babel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy deals with the aftermath of his mind meld with Spock in the mirror universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fragment

After a while, McCoy is fine. It's like nothing happened.

 _Except._

_____________________

McCoy sweet talks the yeoman in charge of the security records into giving him the visual tapes for the brig during the stay of its most recent inhabitants. He watches them all the way through that first night, and he's late for his shift.

After that, He watches them in bits and pieces. Sometimes he has the tapes on slow so he doesn't miss a single frame.

Sometimes he pauses it and studies the image until he can't keep his eyes open anymore.

_____________________

The mirror has taken on a different meaning. He doesn't know the man looking back at him. He presses his fingertips against his face the way Spock did. He tries to remember everything he saw in that brief moment they were connected. If he could remember the details...

There are no details. It comes back to him in rushes. Sometimes it makes him so dizzy he has to grab something to keep upright. It's happened a couple times on the bridge--Spock is usually there--and he's had to lie to Jim that he had an infection that's giving him some residual vertigo. He hates lying to Jim.

But how can he tell him without Jim thinking he's come down with space madness? One moment, he will be Leonard McCoy, the same Leonard McCoy he's known all his life. Then, the rush of memories comes over him, and he will be another Leonard McCoy. The Leonard McCoy he saw when Spock--the other Spock--touched him. It's like a dream that he can't quite hold onto, but the feeling of it is so intense that he can't help but try each time to remember...

He watches the tapes again.

_____________________

"What can you tell me about mind melding?" McCoy asks over dinner. It's been a month of rehearsals to get himself to ask it that calmly.

Spock will not be forthcoming, he knows, but he'd hoped... "It is a Vulcan practice."

McCoy rolls his eyes. Casual, casual, casual. Keep it casual. "I know that much. How does it work? Neurologically, I mean."

"It is complex." Spock begins to gather his things to leave the mess hall. He probably thinks McCoy is teasing him somehow.

McCoy looks down at his food, but when Spock begins to walk past him, he reaches out to grab his wrist. Too roughly.

The Vulcan grip is stronger than his could ever be, he knows that from experience.

"I'm interested. Professionally. If you could talk to me about it sometime."

"Very well, Doctor," Spock says in a strange voice.

McCoy lets go. All that time rehearsing for nothing. He cracks an obviously fake smile. "Might be helpful, is all. You use it often enough."

Spock doesn't say anything else. He just leaves. After a minute, McCoy leaves too.

He needs to watch the tapes again.

_____________________

 _McCoy sits in the corner of the brig with is knees up and his arms wrapped around his legs. He rocks slightly, his eyes swinging like a pendulum as he watches Kirk pace in front of him._

 _He's thinner, his face is more drawn. The frown lines are deeper, and the smile lines are shallower. His hands tremble slightly; they have no surgeon's grace._

 _Kirk suddenly screams and runs to the wall, slamming his fist into it. McCoy closes in on himself further, gripping his legs so tightly against him that his knuckles are white._

McCoy pauses the tapes and runs his finger over the screen.

All he can see in the other McCoy's face is fury, bound up tight inside him. He's seen that expression before, through someone else's eyes.

_____________________

McCoy doesn't ask Spock about mind melds again, and Spock isn't offering anything. Most of the time, everything's normal, but sometimes...

He can't shake the feeling that Spock's face isn't right, the cut and material of his uniform aren't right. That light of curiosity and even kindness in his eyes isn't right.

The other Spock is colder and crueler than this Spock could ever be--even if McCoy can't admit that out loud--but somewhere inside McCoy, in those rushes of memory that he can't quite understand, he misses _that_ Spock.

He misses the Spock that came into him uninvited and sifted through his soul, and all he can do is watch the tapes again and try to understand.

_____________________

McCoy is watching the tapes when his door chimes.

He ignores it at first, but on the third chime, he finally pauses the tape and answers.

It's Spock. For a wild moment, McCoy wants to close the door in his face. "What is it, Mr. Spock?"

"Doctor..." If McCoy didn't know better, he'd say Spock looks uncomfortable. "You made a query some time ago..."

McCoy furrows his brow, pretending that he's forgotten... that the "query" hasn't been weighing on his mind everyday since then. "All right. Come on in."

Spock comes in, and McCoy has to swoop around to his desk to turn off the console before Spock can see what he was watching. Perhaps it's politeness that keeps Spock from mentioning it.

"The Captain told me," Spock begins, rather abruptly, "about your encounter with the Spock in the other universe."

McCoy sinks into his desk chair, unable to do much else. "Oh."

"I take it that the meld he performed on you was quite.. invasive."

"Something like that."

Spock frowns, and McCoy could swear he spots a hint of anger. "It has caused you distress."

McCoy rubs his brow. Distress is a hell of an understatement, and as much as he doesn't want to give himself away, he's desperate for it to stop. "I think he left something in there. I mean. I don't know if that's possible."

"Yes..." Spock finally looks at McCoy. Whatever anger may have been there is hidden again. "Doctor, you may require another mind meld to heal the damage he's caused."

McCoy is shaking his head before Spock's even finished with the sentence. "I'm not doing that again. There's gotta be a different way."

"It need not be..." McCoy can see one of those logical arguments written all over Spock's face, but he doesn't say it. He just nods. "Please consider it. In the meantime, I will aid in any way possible to find 'a different way.'"

McCoy swallows thickly and stands up. "Let's get to the sickbay then."

_____________________

They work together for weeks. McCoy finally tells Jim that something's wrong, but he doesn't go into it. Spock is silent for him, and he appreciates it more than he can put into words.

He's never been good with putting things into words when it comes to Spock.

_____________________

"I can't do this anymore."

"It is quite late, Doctor. Perhaps tomorrow..."

"Dammit, don't try to calm me down with your Vulcan logic." The desk is stacked with the microtapes about Human and Vulcan neurology that they've been poring over for the past eight hours straight, and McCoy shoves them all to the ground with one sweep of his arm. "We're not going to find anything tomorrow that we wouldn't have found a week ago or two weeks ago."

Spock looks down at the tapes, then up at McCoy. "There is another way."

McCoy leans back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest. "Yeah." He bites his lips. He can see the other McCoy in the brig, closing up on himself. "But not tonight."

"Tell me when, and I will aid you," Spock says. His expression is so damn sincere that McCoy wants to punch him in the face.

Instead, he just nods, and Spock can read him well enough by now that he knows it's time to leave.

When he's alone, McCoy opens up his desk drawer and watches the tapes again.

_____________________

 _McCoy sits close to the brig entryway, close enough that the force field hums a warning. He's whispering something, but his lips are barely moving._

 _Eventually, Spock comes to check on the prisoners. The others are sleeping, but McCoy looks up at him, still whispering. Spock kneels down and listens. In the shadows, there are flashes of his teeth as he spits out his quiet words._

 _McCoy's hands are trembling. Without thinking, he reaches out to touch Spock, but he burns his hand on the force field._

 _The others hear it and wake up, and McCoy scurries off to the corner again. Spock rises and listens to another round of the captain's complaints._

_____________________

McCoy goes to Spock's quarters when he's ready. Spock doesn't ask any questions, doesn't complain that it's late, he just lets McCoy in. They sit on the floor with their legs folded, and Spock speaks quietly.

He will not dwell in McCoy's mind. He will not pry. He will only find the fragments that the other Spock left, and take them away. McCoy doesn't ask how. It's been so long now. All he wants is relief.

"Are you ready, Doctor?"

"As I'll ever be, Spock."

Spock lifts his hand to touch McCoy's face. McCoy watches him. He wishes he could stop his heart from racing.

 _Our minds are merging, Doctor. Our minds are one. I feel what you feel. I know what you know._

The rush of memory comes into him again, like it did the first time, like it has over and over again since then. But it's not quite the same. It's gentle, careful. The parts of his mind that he keeps closed away are left closed rather than blown open by a power he can't begin to defend himself against.

Spock's worry is there. Spock's concern. Spock's anger at what his counterpart did. The emotions are strong and sharp, like biting into an innocent-looking little hot pepper. McCoy's thoughts and emotions coil around Spock's, even resemble them, but they have a different flavor. More like a stiff drink.

Then, there is the other. A piece of memory that is not complete and does not belong. Spock untangles from McCoy's mind and gathers up the fragment as he drifts away.

McCoy wants to reach out for Spock to stay, but his mind is suddenly empty of anyone but himself. He gasps at the sensation.

"Doctor," Spock says softly. "Are you all right?"

McCoy nods. He feels light, as if a huge weight were suddenly taken from his shoulders. "That's it? That's..."

"Yes. You should be untroubled by those thoughts now."

"All right..." McCoy looks around Spock's room. He hasn't been in there very often, but he suddenly knows it as if it were his own. "How much... The memories. Did you see any of those?"

"Yes." Spock furrows his brow slightly. "I would not judge you on your counterpart's actions, as you would not judge me by mine."

McCoy swallows and looks down at his hands. They're steady, confident hands. He is not that other McCoy.

"You should return to your quarters to rest," Spock says.

"Yeah..." McCoy pushes himself up to his feet. He doesn't want to leave, but he does.

Tonight, he doesn't watch the tapes, but he dreams of the brig, and of whispering to Spock through the force field.

_____________________

It's a few days before McCoy realizes where those memory fragments are. He goes to Spock on impulse, right there on the bridge.

"They're in your head, aren't they?"

Spock blinks up at him from his station.

McCoy glances around the bridge. He can tell they're all listening now. They seem to enjoy his arguments with Spock--and he does too, but not this time. He leans in closer, lowering his voice. "Aren't they?"

"Doctor, I think we should discuss this somewhere--"

"Just tell me yes or no."

"Yes," Spock answers in that irritatingly calm voice of his.

McCoy shakes his head and stalks to the turbolift.

_____________________

Spock takes his leave of his post with the Captain's intuitive permission and follows McCoy into the turbolift.

"There was no other choice," he says.

McCoy grits his teeth. "You damn well could've told me."

"I am better equipped to adjust to such a--"

"Shut up your damnable logic, Spock!"

Spock furrows his brow. "I did not conceal it from you purposefully. The fragments are in my mind, but I do not access them. A Vulcan mind is capable of such control in a way that a Human mind is not."

"I've had just about enough of Vulcan minds," McCoy growls.

The turbolift doors slide open, and he heads into the corridor. Of course, Spock follows. "You are being most irrational, Doctor."

McCoy swings around to face him. "What did he say to you?"

Spock doesn't seem surprised by the question. He knows he means the other McCoy. "He told me that he would give me whatever I wanted in return for protection. I believe that was the arrangement he had with my counterpart."

"No, you _know_ that now. I _lived_ that, or I as much as lived it. It was all in that... that Vulcan's mind, and he left it in mine. It's the only way he knows how to show any compassion without being weak." McCoy's vision blurs and he looks away from Spock, muttering dammit under his breath.

"Doctor, you do not have to concern yourself about them now."

McCoy shakes his head, and before he can stop himself, he says, "Mr. Spock. You aren't really that cold."

Spock doesn't argue the point. "My counterpart cares for yours. I do not believe he will harm him."

"He harmed _me_ ," McCoy whispers fiercely as a couple of ensigns walk by. "And the worst part is, I think I... I think he... The other Leonard McCoy. I think he wants it. I think he'd rather have that than be alone. Did you _see_ him in that brig, Mr. Spock? Like a frightened animal."

"Yes, I saw him." Spock narrows his eyes thoughtfully, then reaches out to touch McCoy's arm. "Doctor. You are not him. You are not alone."

McCoy looks at Spock's hand on his arm. He's tempted to hold that hand in his own, so he can feel the warmth instead of sensing it through the thick fabric of his uniform.

The temptation passes.

"Did you put what he said into your report?" McCoy asks softly.

Spock pulls his hand away. "I didn't see a need."

McCoy nods. "Thanks." He smiles a little, not quite meeting Spock's eyes. Then, he turns away, heading for sickbay. This time, Spock does not follow.

_____________________

After a while, McCoy is fine. It's like nothing happened.

Except sometimes he and Spock share a look, and even if no one else notices, they both know something changed.


End file.
